Wild Bill Hickok Might've Been onto Something...

Unscientifically speaking, in 2000 the fastest growing televised sport was probably NASCAR racing. In 2005, it had to be poker. I mean, suddenly it was everywhere, on every sports channel, all the time. Poker: I'm sorry, but anything you can play while you've got a martini in one hand, and a cigarette dangling from your lips is just simply not a sport. Call it a game, call it strategic, call it competitive if you must - but face it people, POKER IS NOT A SPORT. So why is it all over my SPORTS channel?

Maybe that's why in 2007-8, UFC (Ultimate Fighting Championship) became such a televised hit (no pun intended). Relentless kicking, punching, flipping, blood, sweat, thrill of victory, agony of defeat - oh yeah, it's all there with the UFC! None of this sitting around, "waiting for the flop" garbage. No fat guys in sunglasses twiddling poker chips to "psyche out" their opposition. No sirree! UFC represents a return to the glory days of televised sports: just two guys in a ring pounding the stew out of each other, with very few rules to stifle the action.

Now to be fair to poker aficionados, there might just be a way to position cards and other parlor games so that they properly qualify as sports content. First, move the poker game to a saloon, and open the game up to the ruffians, the cons, and those prone to random unprovoked violence in general. I'm thinking we call it "Wild West Poker." Each player wears a couple of six-guns, and just might use 'em on his opponents at any time. Then again, he may be a poor shot and hit some innocent bystander by mistake. Now I might watch that sort of thing! Hey, they don't have to use real bullets - red paint balls would still make good television. They could even give out awards for "Best death scene wearing a pair of chaps" and such. This might encourage players to really throw themselves into character. Have a few chair-busting, bicuspid-losing wild bar fights thrown in to keep viewers off balance. Cards alone do not qualify as a sport. Cards with some good 'ol fashioned violence attached...now there's some real sports content right there.