Wild Bill Hickok Might've Been onto Something...

Unscientifically speaking, in 2000 the fastest growing televised sport was probably NASCAR racing. In 2005, it had to be poker. I mean, suddenly it was everywhere, on every sports channel, all the time. Poker: I'm sorry, but anything you can play while you've got a martini in one hand, and a cigarette dangling from your lips is just simply not a sport. Call it a game, call it strategic, call it competitive if you must - but face it people, POKER IS NOT A SPORT. So why is it all over my SPORTS channel?

Maybe that's why in 2007-8, UFC (Ultimate Fighting Championship) became such a televised hit (no pun intended). Relentless kicking, punching, flipping, blood, sweat, thrill of victory, agony of defeat - oh yeah, it's all there with the UFC! None of this sitting around, "waiting for the flop" garbage. No fat guys in sunglasses twiddling poker chips to "psyche out" their opposition. No sirree! UFC represents a return to the glory days of televised sports: just two guys in a ring pounding the stew out of each other, with very few rules to stifle the action.

Now to be fair to poker aficionados, there might just be a way to position cards and other parlor games so that they properly qualify as sports content. First, move the poker game to a saloon, and open the game up to the ruffians, the cons, and those prone to random unprovoked violence in general. I'm thinking we call it "Wild West Poker." Each player wears a couple of six-guns, and just might use 'em on his opponents at any time. Then again, he may be a poor shot and hit some innocent bystander by mistake. Now I might watch that sort of thing! Hey, they don't have to use real bullets - red paint balls would still make good television. They could even give out awards for "Best death scene wearing a pair of chaps" and such. This might encourage players to really throw themselves into character. Have a few chair-busting, bicuspid-losing wild bar fights thrown in to keep viewers off balance. Cards alone do not qualify as a sport. Cards with some good 'ol fashioned violence attached...now there's some real sports content right there.

It's a Bloody Shooting Gallery, I Tell Ya!!!

Way back in the old days...you know, about 5-10 years ago...we kept things simple. Football could be done easily with 8 cameras, baseball with 5 or 6, basketball with 4 or 5, tennis with 4 or 5, and boxing with 4. The one sport that really ate up cameras was golf - with 15-20 lenses covering mostly the back 9.

That was then, this is now. Thanks to improvements in RF technology we've got more cameras than Paris Hilton has handbags. For example, in golf we can now position cameras on all 18 holes, in the clubhouse, up the fairways, on the driving range, and a few mobile ones trekking across the links for good measure. If Tiger Woods picks his nose, by golly we'll get hi-def replays from 13 angles!

So now that we have this capability, I ask you the viewer: where would you like to see cameras positioned so that we show you a side of your favorite sport that you've never seen? What have you been missing out on? How can we better bring viewers onto the playing field, right into the heart of the action? C'mon, don't hold back - we've got 37 cameras trained on you right now as we await your response!

"Nip it in the Bud!!! Nip it, nip it, nip it!!!"

Once again this week, sports fans were treated to another pro athlete running afoul with the law over a firearm incident. This time though, the athlete of note actually shot himself. In the leg, even. Ladies & gentlemen, I give you Deputy Bernard P. F...er, Plaxico Burress.

Now, it is worth mention that this could've been truly tragic. An innocent person could've been struck by Plax's stray bullet; or Plax himself could've ended his career...heck, his LIFE...with his itchy trigger finger.

I don't understand how these guys who make zillions of dollars and are "living the dream" can chuck it all away like a Rex Grossman sideline toss. Hasn't anyone learned from the Pacman? Oh wait, he still has yet another chance. Ok, bad example. Alright, what about Chris Henry then? Oops, sorry. He's still on an NFL roster too.

Geez, sign me to a $5mm contract, just for one season. I may not make a catch in a live game, but I'll fulfill every fan's autograph requests, stay out of trouble with the po-po, keep away from incidents in the nightclub...and laugh all the way to the bank.